Naty's Spooky Corner

A Christmas Horror Story

★★★★★

Sunday, December 5, 2021, 11:11 PM

Satanic sacrifices, zombie elves, random changelings, and good ol’ cranky Krampus? I honestly wonder what could possibly make this movie even better than it already is, but then again, it is entirely narrated by our beloved William Shatner, so it would require nothing short of a Christmas miracle.

Alright, so I know it's not often that I review campy horror movies, but tis’ the season. This horror packed movie features four sub-plots that all touch on Christmas horror classics and a couple more to boot all within the same troubled town, Bailey Downs. Since each of these separate stories only loosely cross streams within the film, I’ll be summarizing them and reviewing them separately within this post. So gather your loved ones, pour yourself some coquito, and get comfy, cause it’s about to get a whole lot of weird.

Satanic Sacrifices:
Christmas season is a conflicted time for the students of the Bailey Downs High school. Last Christmas eve, two students were brutally murdered within the basement of a used-to-be convent, with the words “Unto us a child is born, Unto us a son is given” written on the wall with blood. Gnarly, right? Driven to uncover the truth of what actually happened that fateful night, teenagers, Ben, Molly, and Dylan decide to scope out the scene of the crime, which of course is the dark and spooky basement, and are mysteriously trapped below while trying to evade their principal, who is for some reason still there on Christmas Eve. The gang quickly realizes that they are not in fact alone in the space, and Molly even sees a glimpse of the past - an unnamed girl being forced into a butchered abortion of her baby as punishment for having sex out of wedlock. As the night slowly turns into the witching hour, Molly soon begins acting strange, first unsuccessfully trying to seduce Dylan to sleep with her, and then succeeding with Ben. Molly quickly realizes that the ghost of the girl who had lost her baby and herself during that butchered abortion was trying to right that wrong by forcing her to sleep with either one of the two men whom she was with, and give life once again to her poor baby.

This cautionary tale honestly made me the most uncomfortable because it’s dangerously close to crossing the line of consent. Especially since Molly seemed genuinely shocked that she had sex with Ben while in her transitive state, it’s obvious that she was just being used by the ghost. However, at the core of this story, its important to recognize the very real dangers that surround unsafe abortion practices and its impact on women.

Zombie Elves:
Hark! The North Pole is under attack from a mysterious illness that’s making the elves act more naughty than nice...it’s up to Santa to save the day, and most importantly Christmas, during this action packed sequence.

Do you know when you ask your parents who their favorite kid is, they hesitate slightly, and then say that they don’t have a favorite? No? Just me? Well then...let me actually be blunt...this mini-plot was by far my favorite. I cannot believe that it has taken me this long to enjoy the wonder and magic of experiencing ravaging zombie elves, somehow be able to speak, and call Santa a “Cocksucker”, a “Reindeer fucking snow whore!”, and many, many more fun nicknames during this scene. Not only do we get to enjoy seeing Santa showing off his Jiu jitsu skills (or however they are defined) and beat the absolute jingle bells out of the ten(?) elves that work in his North Pole shop, but we also get to see him go up against the mighty Krampus himself. JUst as he is about to bring down his mighty staff and deliver us all from the Christmas Demon, Santa begins to realize that his toy workshop might not actually be what it seems...

Since I want to encourage everyone to make watching this movie a yearly tradition, I won’t spoil the ending entirely. However, I will say that this story had by far the best plot twist I’ve seen in a campy horror film yet, even if the elves will unfortunately not be living long or prospering.

Random Changelings:
Hey, remember that gruesome high school murder that happened last year? Well one of the policemen on the scene, Scott, is still trying to come to terms with the horrors that he witnessed in that dark and  bloody basement. In efforts to keep the Christmas spirit high, he, his wife and young son, Will, journey to some local woods to chop down their Christmas tree. During this adventure Will ends up lost, and the family must quickly scramble to find their son before they are caught by the groundskeeper who’s lands they are illegally on. The trio is miraculously united and make their way back to begin their celebrations, only thing is, Will has started acting a little strange…

First, he stops needing his inhaler. Then, he eats his dinner with an appetite best fit for a grown man. Finally, worst of all, he begins to be increasingly violent with his father who is trying to maintain his patriarchal role in the family. The night quickly becomes stranger and stranger after the wife, Kim, receives a call from an unnamed caller telling her that the boy they brought back was not Will at all. And that they had actually been tricked by a changeling who took his form into entering their home and causing further chaos. Pressed for time and desperate to get her son back, Kim acts quickly to return the changeling where it rightfully belongs.

This story depicted the saddening tale of how a broken family was ultimately irreversibly changed on their fateful journey into private lands. It’s especially heartbreaking since none of the underlying tension was able to be resolved, and only led to more and more violence.

Good ol’ Krampus:
You know what time it is? That’s right! It's finally time for the Krampus tale. Caprice, Duncan, and her parents are on their way to visit their estranged, wealthy aunt with the sole purpose of asking her for money. Their dad’s business is failing yet again, and they are in a desperate need for no-questions-asked cash. After arriving, they are quickly turned away from their cold relative, but not before hearing about the mythological creature, Krampus, who punishes all the bad boys and girls on Christmas Eve. And before leaving, they manage to upset both their aunt and her caretaker enough to know that they are no longer welcome. On their way home, they suffer a car crash and are forced to walk, until they are attacked by a mysterious figure in the woods. Hunted down one by one, Caprice manages to escape back to her aunt's house, only to learn that she had unleashed the Christmas beast so that her family may pay for their sins. Enraged by her aunt’s betrayal, Caprice allows anger and hatred to inhabit her soul, thus turning her into Krampus so that she too can seek revenge on her spiteful Aunt.

Many betrayals later, this story reminds us to be kind unto others and try to understand their underlying struggles rather than persecuting them. While I did struggle myself to understand the primary conflict in this tale, it was well worth seeing the family finally open up to each other before of course perishing at the hands of a vicious demon.

Overall:
Dear reader, if you managed to make through all that writing, I commend you. You did it! And if you, solely skimmed - hey, listen, I get it. As I’m sure it was fairly easy to tell, I greatly  enjoyed this movie more than I was expecting to. Yes, the plots are barely cohesive with one another, the dialogue is shoddy at best, and I’m sure that a majority of the film's budget went towards the Krampus costume, but man. This whole film was a journey filled with enough cautionary tales to spook your kids with. In the long run, “A Christmas Horror Story” was ridiculous and over the top in exactly the best ways that a B horror film is.

“Campy Horror” Rating: 4/5

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